Dig a Little Deeper.

Takin' a poll.  Which one sucks the most?  Getting scolded by your boss (3 tiers up) due to a failed business relationship costing millions, followed by the worst stink eye, lasting for what seems like forever...or having sex with Charlie Sheen?  Alright...you win, it's a no brainer.  But what if your job means the world to you?  It's one of the few tangible strongholds that assists in survival, in today's world anyway.  Without your job, you have zero funds for all the things unnecessary.  Sure, society will keep you alive, but you all know there's little 'oomph' factor in living off society.  The confidence lost, insecurities and self esteem dump make it difficult to get back on our feet again. 

By the way, you still win.  I just thought I'd throw it out there.  The comparison was of two back to back nightmares, dreamt in the seriously whacked out mind of yours truly.  Dream number one, not so great.  Dream number two...GROSS.  How do we come up with this stuff?!  And for the record, I do just fine in my role at work.

Back to ground zero.  We haven't all been there, but a lot of us have.  Some of us worse than others.  On the record again, I too have been there.  Last year being one of my most down n' dirty years, I too experienced what it was like to admit failure and hold out my cup for spare change.  Not literally, of course.  But at the cost of your tax dollars and my parent's much appricated love and support, you betcha.

Here's the thing.  Yeah, it sucks.  But for all you going through it or maybe about to go through it, there is nothing wrong with tuckin' your tail and still holding your head high.

My 4 year old, Isabella, and I enjoyed a movie together tonight.  Disney's Princess and the Frog.  Great movie, maybe one of my favorites.  I couldn't get over the impressive message that Disney drilled into the brains of all watching, throughout the entire movie.  Here's a small excerpt of lyrics in one of the catchiest tunes:



You got to dig a little deeper
For you it’s gonna be tough
You got to dig a little deeper
You ain’t dug near far enough

Dig down deep inside yourself
You’ll find out what you need
Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed

Sometimes I believe that Disney is really made for adults, with kid friendly language and bright colors to entertain the little ones while parents actually get a bit of silence and a slap of reality...that's just one opinion, of course.

Here's the thing.  For all of you in a rut, let's face it, you're going nowhere fast.  However, you have one problem (the rut, don't complicate things) with multiple solutions.  The odds are in your favor! 

To put it simply, I consider myself to have an easy life.  I'm a single mom (managing my child 12 out of 14 days) working a full time and part time job (making squat), can't seem to collect full child support in the last two years, and am still seriously contemplating going to school part time.  I rarely treat my own self, spend each week budgeting what I can and can't spend at the grocery store, up at 5am, mayyyybe work out, coffee, chauffeur, work, chauffeur, work, clean, cook, clean, clean, wipe butts and get silence only when I don't dream about angry boss's or Charlie Sheen.  I really don't get what's so hard about it.  Suck it up, go to work, love your family, do your absolute best in everything you do and don't sleep with Charlie Sheen.  It's really that simple.

In the words of Princess Tiana, "It serves me right for wishing on stars. The ONLY way to get what you want in this world is through hard work."

Love and hugs to all,

Jess


Breaking the Norm: Try being Normal for a change.

Box 115A.  Natural Lighter Golden Brown.  That's my style, and I'm stickin' to it.  At least until I forget which one I used in 8 weeks, after my roots have shown through more than most would appreciate, and I finally bite the bullet and pay the $7.96 again to buy another box.  Hey, I wasn't always this cheap.  I upgraded from the last 10 years of Colorsilk's $3.94 because, I'm pretty sure, Nice'n Easy is the ticket to natural youthfulness. 

Last year's Walmart special, $3.88 tank tops, in loads of colors, are still on my play list this summer.  I regularly sport these tops at least 5 days a week on my down time.  

In the last month, I did splurge on jewelry from one of those home parties.  To upgrade my selection some, but mostly because I felt obligated by just walking through the door.  Not to mention I bought a couple of new tops from...TARGET...my favorite store ever, to the tune of $45.00 for both last night.  First additions to my wardrobe in, oh, probably 9 months.

In all honesty, I can't say the last time I purchased "new" clothing for my daughter.  I regularly shop the thrift racks, second hand stores and clearance items any chance I get.  Not to mention, purchase a year ahead in preparation when those puppies go on sale at the end of the season.

In case you couldn't tell, I may be one of the most plain Jane, single 30 year old moms out there.
So, to all of you 'others' not in my category, how the heck do you do it?!  I mean, I see highlights and low lights, belts and heals to match your wardrobe perfectly, make-up galore, IPhones and nails.  If it's that easy, help a girl out!!  My guess is, if you're not rich, either your credit card is hurting, or your lean-to spouse or parent is.

Here's the kicker...I don't do as much as you do, and still get all the attention.  My box colored reddish-brown locks get compliments regularly, from both men and women.  My 150lb, uncared for frame in Walmart and Target tops also get some attention.  But most importantly, what I've realized, is most men and women of any size, shape or nature, appreciate a confident individual with realistic values, and sense.  AND ARE ATTRACTED TO IT! 

And what's more, if you really let it go and don't focus on your physical flaws as much, either will anyone else.  Train your mind to allow yourself to be you, despite all the critics out there.  You're the biggest critic of your own self.  If you're truly unhappy with you, than fix it.  Otherwise, live it as it is.

So here's to you, Ms. Nice'n Easy on Box 115A.  Yeah, you're all paint-brushed, good looking and whatnot, but this 'little hot girl with an obvious strength of greatness', as I was called the other day (from someone not so bad himself), have got some livin' to do.

Social, Anti-Social, Let me tell you what you shouldn't know - Media.

For starters, it is ridiculously AMAZING to be able to see pictures of my friends and family, no matter how far away they may be.  To hear (read) their stories, experiences, needs and wants, struggles and all other things wonderful or less important.  I mean, compared to where we were 20 years ago?  If my grandparents wanted to see me or my sister, one way or another someone was making a 5 hour car trip through the corn fields with nothing but books, pillows and a children's cassette tape to keep us occupied.  "Fast forward!  Wait, STOP!  Go back!  There!  The wheels on the bus go...AHH!"  Sorry mom and dad - as a parent, I have it WAY easier.

Here's what scares me.  Facebook, and other social media sites, are all too in my face, out of place, unnecessary, your world is not mine - most of the time, keep it to yourself because your character is bleeding, I love you, but don't support that issue, get off the computer/phone and pay attention to your children or husband or wife, hide behind a screen PROBLEM!

Come on...really?!?!  Just an FYI - your world is my late night entertainment.  My nightly ritual consists of setting my alarm on my phone, reading my horoscope and then scrolling the everlasting wonders on Facebook.  As in my first paragraph, some of the things I see and read are truly enjoyable.  Other things I see and read make me enormously embarrassed...for you.  Did people miss the memo that there is a way to have private message-to-message individual conversations between yourselves on Facebook?

Over the years, I have chosen to, not remove myself, but remove others from my "friends" list because I just can't honestly stand to see adults humiliate themselves.  I know it happens, social media or not.  But hey, out of sight, out of mind.  Your uneducated, self-inflicting, inexperienced, wisdom-less downfalls do not, should not and will not influence me.

Pay attention to your older children who have their own social media account(s) - They're worse than you.  Ouch, but true.  I beg you to not let them fall victim.  They're your responsibility, control it.

Thanks to each of you out in network land, who are not fulfilling the negative trends of social media.  I truly appreciate hearing each story or comment throughout your days, so long as they're positive, and ones that everyone can appreciate and learn from. 

God bless you all.

A reflection of you - Parenthood 101

Isabella Faith Payne, born January, 30th, 2008.  She was not my first child.  Shortly before her conception, I lost one.  As difficult as it was, I will never forget the words of an in law at that time, "I understand what you are going through.  But you know what?  If I didn't experience THAT loss, I wouldn't have my A.J."

If you are Chad or Adam, please know your mother is a tremendous woman and thank her in your hearts and actions every day.  She is a large part of the equation of who you are today, and you're both great men.

On that note, we as parents have a responsibility.  To love, nurture, teach, hold, encourage and discipline.  It can really be broken down into simple factors.  The "details" you may experience, keep in mind, are your own lifestyles you have to work out.  If there's a problem, it's not your child(ren)'s fault.  It's yours.

Must do's of every parent.  If you're going to turn a blind eye to any of these, well, good luck to you and your child.  And really, they deserve better.

1.  Love always.  Tell them that, literally, every day.

2.  Discipline.  Kids don't rule, you do.

3.  Structure.  I bet your world turns upside down when you don't know if you're coming or going.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Oh, by the way, they're children.   They don't get it.  They count on you to tell them how it needs to be.

4.  Manners.  It's not hard.  Demand a please or thank you.  Demand they wait their turn.  Demand they listen before they act.  Demand, demand, demand.  You're not being rude.  And yes, they will get mad.  But who's the bigger one here?  Come back to me when they're 27 and say how much they appreciate you.  I guarentee not one child would hate you for it later.

5.  Encourage, but be healthy about it.  There's a time and a place for silliness.  Teach them where it is and where it is not appropriate.

6.  Pick your battles.  If it's not harming them or anyone else, let it be.  My kid wore her bike helmet to the chiropractor a few months ago, and then wanted to wear her 2 sizes too small rain boots on on sunny day.  Oh well.

7.  Be consistent.  Where do I start?  In a nutshell, let you're employer or your spouse think you're doing a fantastic job, and then in an annual review tell you all the things you need to work on.  Bet it makes you fill like crap.  Wish you would have known from the get go?  And maybe had constant reminders?

8.  Play.  This is something I personally learned from a friend.  Let this be known, I DON'T PLAY.  But my child does, and it's important to her. 

9.  Talk.  Kids are smarter than you know.  I asked Isabella one day, "Why, when I say "no" to something, do you always say ""Please, please, please, please...PLEASE?!""  First of all, thank you for using manners.  Her response?  "Because sometimes, you might say yes."  - words from a 4 year old.  Please refer to lesson #6, one we can all learn from.

10.  Explain.  In kid terms.  They really don't know what you're talking about if you talk to them like they're your friend, relative or boss.  Dumb it down.

GRAND FINALE:

11.  Learn.  The things your kids do and say are a REFLECTION of you.  If you don't like it, or wish for other behaviors of your children, fix yourself.  I guarantee you will see positive or negative results in any way you choose to live.

You have a responsibility.  Not a cause for action when you choose.  Get after them.  They're born great, as were you.  It's their influences that will keep them there.

You mean, I have to...WORK?!

Let me guess. You finally got a raise after over a year and your only got 15 cents. Or you're too bombarded with things to do in your regular work day, you just don't have time to do it all. My guess is, too, that your responsibilities have increased since you started your position in your job. I bet the guy or girl who sits next to you slacks off and doesn't get as much work done as you and still gets paid the same. Remember that time when you went above and beyond and didn't get recognized for it?  Yeah, me either.  I bet you went back to the same old, same old when you realized your squat reward didn't pan out. How about the fact that you saw the house of your boss, boss's boss or CEO of the company and thought, "Must be nice to live like that on the work that I put in for you."

Here's the thing.  We all have to work, in some form or fashion.  Whether it be the nine to five, swing shift, self-scheduled, stay at home parent or volunteer, we have to give something to get something.  Me personally?  I prefer to get the most I can, so I work to the best of my abilities.  Well, that's not totally true.  If I wanted more, I could have more.  But truth is, I'm actually quite content with what I have and working at the current pace I have set for myself.  If I push myself real hard, sometimes I can focus enough to do better than my average.  And you better believe I get the rewards.  When I choose to...of course.

Our American country is full of complainers.  There, I said it!  Don't worry, though.  It's probably not your fault.  We listen, learn, succeed, flourish and even fail in the arms of those we're closest to.  Parents, bosses, friends, pastors, and even kids, show us how to act on a daily basis.  Now, I do understand that a young child, and even a young adult into their twenties, needs time to experience and figure out what's right and wrong.  But come on people.  There's a time shortly thereafter where we need to take responsibility for ourselves for the rest of our existance.  Who says we're the golden child anymore that gets whatever they want?  Oh, and speaking of children getting whatever they want, good luck with that in the future if you're responsible for them.

Remember the time when you signed up for your job?  You wanted to, and I know for a fact that you were excited about it.  Who isn't?  A job or responsibility means wealth and rewards.  But all too often we lose sight and begin to demand.  If that's you, quit!  No one says you have to do what you're doing.  YOU signed up.  YOU can back down.  Of course, if you back down entirely, you'll be in a world of hurt and struggle and be worse off than you are now.  Plan and WORK for what you want.

My advise to you, quit complaining!  You're only wasting time.  Not to mention, you're wasting everyone else's time.  If you have a problem, create a solution.  I've been fortunate to be on both ends of the working spectrum.  For crying out loud, I supervised 26 women and 1 male at the same time...hmmm...guess which one was my favorite??  Yep.  The one who didn't complain. 

Truth is, your boss is busy and doesn't have time for babysitting crap.  If you're around 23 years old, or older, and are creating grief to your boss at work, shame on you.  Grow up.  I can promise you your boss already knows where the problems exist.  It's not like they're stupid.  They were put in their position for a reason.  Quite honestly, your boss needs YOUR support instead of the other way around.  Come in and do the job you signed up for.  I bet you anything, if each and every person your boss had to "supervise" really didn't need any supervision, they may actually have time to assist each of you as part of the TEAM instead of taking complaints.  They already get complaints from top down. 

Hear this too, it's not your boss's fault.  Probably not even your boss's boss's fault.  The requests and demands come from the top.  I guarentee your complaints don't even get past round one.  If we all just do the best we can, the numbers, dollars, successes and failures will be noticed at some point.  You have nothing to worry about if you can justify everything you do with a good answer.

Now let's get to work!

Let's Begin.

You know what irks me?  After sipping 4 cocktails...alright, maybe 6...within the last 24 hours, I just recently realized that the mixer I purchased was regular Mountain Dew instead of diet.  Forget the 2,000 calorie Mexican dinner I ordered, or the margarita  , or the UV Sweet Green Tea flavored vodka I bought to share and sampled 2 cocktails of.  Oh, and the half a waffle with full calorie syrup, two sausage links and Chipotle Southwest sauce on my sub from Subway tonight...it's the fact that the ONE thing I thought I was choosing to control was the diet soda in my potato water (vodka).  It's healthier!  ...Right.

Welcome to the House of Payne.  We're fantastic in all aspects of our own little world.  And by we, I mean myself, Jessica (30), and my daughter, Isabella (4).  We're not self-centered by any means, possibly quite the opposite.  Our greatness comes with the ability to be real, humble and appreciative of everything we have.  To be us.  And to be HUMAN! 

Shortened version of our backround:  We've come into our own in the last few months.  Products of an unhealthy family lifestyle in marriage, my parents rescued us (for a year and a half) until we were secure again.  I was a successful, high school educated professional in a retail world, until Isabella's small age of 2.  Partial longing to be a stay-at-home mom, and partial despiration to cling on to a marriage that was unsuccesful, I quit my $43,000/yr job and began regular kid-in-tow wagon trips to the local Save-A-Lot grocery store.

Long story short:  I hated it.  I was not meant to have a kid on the hip for hours on end.  There's only so much play time (minutes) this mom can handle.  I felt guilty at first.  I thought it would be an awesome opportunity to raise my own child, who I love, adore and would die for.  Truth is, because I love her so much, we're better off with our daily distance with me in the working world, leaving behind our regular annoyances with each other and fulfilling our genuine "I miss you" moments in happiness. 

It was a big time struggle at first, parting with our "comfortable" married family life.  As bad as you want things to work sometimes, your true character shows when you finally say, "I've exhausted ALL options.  Enough is enough."

So what do you say to your child(ren) when their world falls apart?  I mean, really?  I've been through it, and I'm still not certain that my words were the right ones.  When I finally made the last leap out of the relationship her father and I had (and trust me, there were plenty), let's face it, it was hell.  I thought I had lived through enough storms in the past 3 years and succesfully sheltered my infant/toddler from it all.  Little did I know at that time, the storm would shift and a whole new wind would knock us off our feet.  The temperature had changed.  Daddy was no longer dad.  For me to say he "struggled" would be a Band-aid on the wound.  It was different.

On the positive side, Daddy's come around.  He's had time to sort out his "man issues" and we've stood, not by him, but close enough through his struggles.  Can't say he's done the same for us, but in all reality, we're okay with that now.  It's in the past.  The one great thing that I can say that Isabella and I have overcome, is that we don't hate him.  In fact, we love him more.  I firmly believe, that the true test of love is that you will always put others before yourself.  We waited, in tears sometimes, but we waited.  And I don't think that I could ask for a better relationship for the family that WE started, and the one that WE will finish someday.