Let's Begin.

You know what irks me?  After sipping 4 cocktails...alright, maybe 6...within the last 24 hours, I just recently realized that the mixer I purchased was regular Mountain Dew instead of diet.  Forget the 2,000 calorie Mexican dinner I ordered, or the margarita  , or the UV Sweet Green Tea flavored vodka I bought to share and sampled 2 cocktails of.  Oh, and the half a waffle with full calorie syrup, two sausage links and Chipotle Southwest sauce on my sub from Subway tonight...it's the fact that the ONE thing I thought I was choosing to control was the diet soda in my potato water (vodka).  It's healthier!  ...Right.

Welcome to the House of Payne.  We're fantastic in all aspects of our own little world.  And by we, I mean myself, Jessica (30), and my daughter, Isabella (4).  We're not self-centered by any means, possibly quite the opposite.  Our greatness comes with the ability to be real, humble and appreciative of everything we have.  To be us.  And to be HUMAN! 

Shortened version of our backround:  We've come into our own in the last few months.  Products of an unhealthy family lifestyle in marriage, my parents rescued us (for a year and a half) until we were secure again.  I was a successful, high school educated professional in a retail world, until Isabella's small age of 2.  Partial longing to be a stay-at-home mom, and partial despiration to cling on to a marriage that was unsuccesful, I quit my $43,000/yr job and began regular kid-in-tow wagon trips to the local Save-A-Lot grocery store.

Long story short:  I hated it.  I was not meant to have a kid on the hip for hours on end.  There's only so much play time (minutes) this mom can handle.  I felt guilty at first.  I thought it would be an awesome opportunity to raise my own child, who I love, adore and would die for.  Truth is, because I love her so much, we're better off with our daily distance with me in the working world, leaving behind our regular annoyances with each other and fulfilling our genuine "I miss you" moments in happiness. 

It was a big time struggle at first, parting with our "comfortable" married family life.  As bad as you want things to work sometimes, your true character shows when you finally say, "I've exhausted ALL options.  Enough is enough."

So what do you say to your child(ren) when their world falls apart?  I mean, really?  I've been through it, and I'm still not certain that my words were the right ones.  When I finally made the last leap out of the relationship her father and I had (and trust me, there were plenty), let's face it, it was hell.  I thought I had lived through enough storms in the past 3 years and succesfully sheltered my infant/toddler from it all.  Little did I know at that time, the storm would shift and a whole new wind would knock us off our feet.  The temperature had changed.  Daddy was no longer dad.  For me to say he "struggled" would be a Band-aid on the wound.  It was different.

On the positive side, Daddy's come around.  He's had time to sort out his "man issues" and we've stood, not by him, but close enough through his struggles.  Can't say he's done the same for us, but in all reality, we're okay with that now.  It's in the past.  The one great thing that I can say that Isabella and I have overcome, is that we don't hate him.  In fact, we love him more.  I firmly believe, that the true test of love is that you will always put others before yourself.  We waited, in tears sometimes, but we waited.  And I don't think that I could ask for a better relationship for the family that WE started, and the one that WE will finish someday.